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11 May 2004

A Crab Touched My Ass

Location : Cherating, Malaysia.

I have a pair of boardshorts that I bought in England, size 32. What I didn't know was that an English size 32 probably accommodates the beer bellies of English men making it different from an Asian size 32. Therefore, those boardshorts are loose on my waist and when I wear it, I constantly check on what's going on below because I don't want to be caught walking around with my pants down.

Anyway, I was surfing in the Perhentian Islands last year, sitting on my board waiting for my set in the blue ocean. Then all of a sudden, I felt something touch my fat ass. I think the human backside is a sensitive area so to be exact, I precisely felt something sharp scratching down my butt crack(or arse line). I went like "WHAT THE FUCCCCKKK...." and started a whooping frenzy on my own ass. No, I wasn't being kinky but I panicked because who in the right mind would expect anything to be crawling up his ass in the middle of the ocean! There I am looking like an idiot frantically slapping his own ass on a surfboard in the middle of the ocean, so it must have been quite a sight from the beach.

The scratching stopped and I managed to turn my board around to see what the fuck was that thing touching my sensitive area. Lo and behold....this little baby crab was paddling itself towards me, probably thinking I was some kinda tiny island/land!!! I felt totally shocked and outraged that my innocence had been taken away from me by a.....CRAB. That is a first. I've had all sorts of things linger into that nether region before but NEVER a crab. That was the closest I've ever been to being intimate with an animal and it's not by choice!


I wouldn't mind starting out as friends with this crab but this chick with claws was way too young and taking things too fast by grabbing/scratching/clawing my ass the first time we meet. Moreover, I ain't no paedophile. So, I just killed it.

Yeah right....just kidding. I waded the water surrounding Pervert Junior away from me and sent it off the other direction. I don't know what happened to the crab after that because I just paddled away but I hope it didn't drown. Land was pretty far away. I would have saved it but I would also risk losing a finger(or worse) to it's mighty claws. I've met many ocean inhabitants while surfing but that was the first time I had physical contact with one of them. I have seen dolphins dancing in mid-air about 15 feet from me, a seal popped out of a wave my mate was riding(he called it a speedbump) and mermaids flashing their boobs. Those were the just the memorable incidents besides the usual sea snakes, stingrays and sharks...

Once, there were 2 cheeky sea eagles flying along the shoreline. The front eagle had a snake in its beak. I was in the water and when the eagles passed above me, the motherfucker dropped the snake. Again, I almost pissed in my pants but the second eagle behind swooped down and caught the snake in mid-air with it's beak, and took up the front position. Then they just lazily continued along the shoreline, away from me. Cheeky bastards.

I should be in the Perhentians after this post. Once again, I don't know how often I'll be able to update this website because Internet access on the island is bloody expensive. If you would like to receive an email notification, insert your FULL email address into the mailing list on the right. If anyone wants to be removed from the list, please contact me and fire off a message to me.

Posted by Ripcord at May 11, 2004 12:44 PM


YOu mean you have been intimate with an animal by choice???

Posted by: brains at May 12, 2004 12:36 AM

your arse must've smelt like food mate. what did you have before wading out into the ocean? tell us, so we don't suffer the same fate.

i'm surprised you didn't just let one off and fart the crab into oblivion...

Posted by: grim at May 12, 2004 11:08 AM

Cool blog dude. Wish I could travel like you and surf the seven seas (currently the only surfing I do is surfing the WWW).

Posted by: Kevin at May 12, 2004 01:05 PM

Oh... I would have screamed so loud, you wouldn't want to know *shivers*.

Posted by: Mirna at May 12, 2004 02:10 PM

shit. check this out:

Posted by: grim at May 12, 2004 04:45 PM

check the tune here:

Posted by: grim at May 12, 2004 04:47 PM

the crab bit was hilarious although if it'd been me, i would have had a heart attack right there, but then again i'm scared of harmless looking fish even when they're dead (thats why i dont eat any seafood) and its a REAL fear, ok?! its called Ichthyophobia.

Posted by: sarah at May 12, 2004 06:54 PM

commercial sky diving comes to singapore:,4386,250750,00.html?

Posted by: grim at May 14, 2004 08:44 AM

son of a bitch ! you're going back to perhentian? lucky bastard. have fun, be wise, make sure your tophat is on while visiting bat infested caves in perhentian :)

Posted by: Chee Yong at May 14, 2004 12:03 PM

hey =) wow you surf? thats kool... never met anyone who surfed before. lol then again i don't even live near the ocean SO XD

Posted by: Linda at May 15, 2004 12:30 PM

Lol- crabs up the butt- very sexy! :)

Posted by: Colette (custin10) at May 17, 2004 03:03 AM

Ohh, you have a really interesting life.. I've never surfed anything but the internet. :( hehe

Posted by: Morten Winther at May 17, 2004 05:22 AM

hey love the blog, very interesting keep up the great work on the layout!

Posted by: frannie (essence) at May 17, 2004 08:40 AM

Ohmygosh, that's so weird! One of the many reasons why I kinda don't like the ocean. But the biggest scare I ever had was when I was at a beach and everyone was running away and crap 'cause they saw a shark, and tragically a boy died. :(

Posted by: Chrissy (yeonwoo) at May 17, 2004 10:38 AM

There's nothing like reading a blog entry about a guy and his "close" encounter with a crab.

I personally think the crab had an enormous crush on you.

Posted by: Chrissy at May 17, 2004 11:36 AM

sharks are the whole reason I try to stay out of the oceans.... I am told that there are not any sharks that can harm people in Malaysia though.

Posted by: Crazy Canadian at May 17, 2004 02:22 PM

a crab?? of all the animals! lol sounds like you're having fun, despite the crab incident. :p

Posted by: Tinassee at May 17, 2004 03:04 PM

"...English size 32 probably accommodates the beer bellies of English men making it different from an Asian size 32."

Or it might be the fact that European clothing sizes are on a completely different scale?

Cuz all Asians are skinny, and perfect aren't they? Get real.

Posted by: Saz at May 20, 2004 01:27 PM

sarah : you pulling my leg? there's no such thing as Ichthyophobia!!!???

saz : u need to chill out and grow up.

thanks to everyone else for commenting!

Posted by: Ripcord at June 4, 2004 08:32 AM